ACCIDENTAL UNICORN, THE Read online

  Oliver inhaled deeply, his chest stinging from the crash against the wall. Still, he was afraid for Baloney. He didn’t want to have to tussle with this freakishly violent woman, but he would if it meant saving Baloney. “Are you sure?”

  Marty scoffed as she flanked his other side. “Are we sure? Her hamster, Larry, before his untimely demise, lived like a king. What hamster do you know who has an entire room devoted to his habitat? Well, Larry had one. She’s a beast, but she’s mostly a good beast.”

  “Now,” Wanda said gently. “While Nina makes lovey-dovey with your chipmunk—”

  “Baloney. Her name’s Baloney.”

  “Baloney? Who the fuck names a pretty-pretty princess like you Baloney?” Nina cooed as she stroked Baloney’s back. “A man. A stupid man with a stupid sparkly horn. That’s who.”

  “Of course,” Wanda agreed. “Baloney. While Nina plays with, ah…Baloney, why don’t we sit in the other room and talk about what’s happening? Would that be all right?”

  Oliver scratched the side of his head, still bewildered. “I think… I think so. Let’s go to the kitchen. I have plenty of seating there.”

  Yeah, he did. Denise had wanted a big kitchen to entertain family and friends, so the plan had been to knock out the wall between the dining room and living room and extend the kitchen. And he’d done that. Alone. All alone.

  He led the two women to his sprawling kitchen and offered them each a chair at the wide island with the muted gray-and-black-veined sandstone countertop—just like Denise had wanted.

  “Do you have tea, Oliver?” Marty asked, her hoop earrings glittering under the recessed lights as she tucked her hair behind her ears.

  He felt so unsure about these women, yet they were now going about this with such warmth and sensitivity. Well, except for the demon in the living room, currently wooing his baby. They were pretty understanding for crazy people.

  “Oliver?” Marty prompted.

  Instead of speaking, he pointed to the cabinet by the six-burner gas stove.

  But Marty just smiled and headed that way. “Good enough—and oh, my goodness, your kitchen is magnificent! Did you pick everything out, or is there a lady involved—or a man, for that matter—we should offer our compliments to?”

  “Most of it I did on my own,” he muttered, jamming his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

  “It’s breathtaking,” she responded with another smile as she stood on tiptoe and reached for the teabags. “Tea, Mama Wanda?”

  Wanda nodded to Marty with a smile of clear gratitude then patted a spot on the island across from her, setting her very pregnant body on one of the high-back chairs opposite him. “Sit, won’t you?”

  He did as he was told, but he still wasn’t offering anything more. He was so freaked out by the range of emotions they’d evoked, he though it better to stay silent.

  “So, Oliver, first, let me apologize again for how utterly shameful we were on the phone. How crass of us to behave the way we did. My only excuse, and it’s a thin one, is that we were caught off guard. We’ve dealt with a lot of things, but never—”

  “A male unicorn,” he offered dryly.

  Wanda gazed at him for a moment, the smile never leaving her pale-pink glossed lips. “Well, you have to admit, unicorns, as sexist as this sounds, are geared mostly toward young girls.”

  Oliver lifted his chin, adjusting his knit cap and trying to avoid blowing upward at his nose to remove any glitter that had fallen to its tip. “You know of any young girls who’d like to trade places?” he asked. “Because I’d be happy to take a step back.”

  “Either way, we’re incredibly remorseful. Nina is, too—”

  “The fuck she is!” Nina singsonged from the living room. “This shit is funny!”

  Both Marty and Wanda heaved a resigned sigh. “Okay, she may not be right now, but she will be. Anyway, the moment you hung up on us, and deservedly so, we straightened up and flew right—right over here, that is.”

  “Yeah,” Marty agreed as she set the kettle on the stove. “Did we ever.”

  Now he eyed Wanda, with her clear skin and even clearer eyes. For someone who claimed to be so tired, she looked great. They all did, but that was a perk of being supernatural, right? Eternal youth?

  “You said you flew. I don’t understand. I thought your offices were here in Buffalo?”

  “They are. We just moved from the city to be closer to our respective homes. Except Nina. She’s still on the island—Staten Island, to be precise.”

  “So you flew here from here? That makes no sense.”

  Or he wasn’t allowing it to make sense because the reality was too crazy. He wasn’t sure. Either way, he couldn’t possibly parse all the outrageous things they’d said on the phone as well as outside his door. It was too much right now.

  Wanda reached across the counter and patted his hand with her delicate one, shooting him a sympathetic smile. “It will. All in good time, Oliver. I promise.”

  “How did you know how to find me?”

  “Again, all in good time. We’re here now, and that’s all that matters. So let’s get this show on the road, shall we? Can you tell me what brought you to this point?”

  Dropping his head to his hands, noting a spray of glitter falling from the brim of his hat to the island counter, Oliver closed his eyes from exhaustion, trying to rub the graininess away. “I wish I knew.”

  When he lifted his head, Wanda was looking directly at him with thoughtful eyes.

  “Let’s start with this first.” She pointed a finger at his head. “Would you mind showing me what’s happening, Oliver? Then we can at least ascertain where we’re at?”

  There was a husky squeal of delight from the living room. “Is he gonna show you that shit, Wanda? I wanna see, too! And so does Baloney, don’t you, Princess?”

  Marty, in a blur of motion his eyes almost couldn’t connect with his brain, set down the mugs she’d been preparing and zipped to the living room. “Stop being an insensitive goon, Nina!”

  He looked at Wanda, his mouth open again. “How does she move…so fast?” Jesus, had he squeaked out that question like some chickenshit?

  Yes, his inner coward muttered. Yes you did, Oliver. But it’s okay. You have every right to be scared. There’s no other word to describe that woman but scary.

  But Wanda patted his hand again with her soft, smooth one. “As I said, explanations will happen all in due time. It’s a lot, and for now, we don’t want to overwhelm you. Moving forward, let’s just see what we’re dealing with. Are you comfortable doing that?”

  What choice did he have? They’d come all this way—however it was they’d arrived. Wanda was pregnant and even if she didn’t look so tired, she probably was. She was carrying around a life, for shit’s sake.

  He’d be a real dick if he didn’t at least show them what he’d called about and explain what happened with Baloney. That alone was a miracle.

  Pulling his bulky knit cap almost entirely from his head, Oliver took a deep breath, keeping his head low.

  Marty was there at his side in an instant, patting his arm to console him. “It’s okay, Oliver. Believe me, the mermaid story I told you was true. We’ve seen some things, some really crazy things you only see on TV and in movies. We’re ready for just about anything. Promise.”

  Lifting his head with a raspy sigh, he looked straight past Wanda and at the side-by-side pictures of herbs hung on the far wall and pulled off his knit cap.

  It was then that he heard the lovely, elegant, cultured Wanda fall off her chair.

  Nina raced into the kitchen in another blur before he could even rise from his spot, catching Wanda before she hit the ground with Baloney tucked safely in her hoodie pocket.

  “Jesus, Wanda! You have to be more fucking careful,” she scolded, pushing her friend’s hair from her face and peering into her eyes. “You’re gonna have this damn kid before it’s ready if you don’t knock this ish off. You’re like a frickin’ balloon wai
ting to burst.”

  Nina was so tender with her friend and Baloney; he almost couldn’t believe she was the same person he’d talked to on the phone. The same snarling, snapping, foul-mouthed person, he marveled.

  She settled Wanda back in her chair with gentle hands as Oliver rushed to her side and asked, “Are you all right? Can I get you anything, Wanda?”

  Nina gave him a nudge to the shoulder with the heel of her hand. “You can get me some Skittles, buddy. I wanna catch the rainbow.” She cackled at her joke, laying her arm protectively across Wanda’s shoulders.

  “I’m so sorry, Oliver. I’m fine,” Wanda finally said, tucking her sweater around her engorged waist before she ran her hand over her temple. “It’s just so…”

  “Shiny?” Nina crowed as she peered at his, for lack of a better word, horn. “That motherfucker’s shiny and glittery as all hell. But I bet Marty’ll tell ya the pink and purple are definitely in your color wheel. At least you got that going for ya.”

  Nina reached out and lifted a finger to touch it, but Oliver waved her away with a wince. “Please don’t. It’s very sensitive. When I touch it, my whole body vibrates so hard, it’s like I’m a string on a bass guitar someone’s plucked.” Then he paused as her words impacted him fully. “Wait. What did you say? It’s in my color what?”

  Nina smirked, her face, if at all possible when smirking, even lovelier when she did so. “Your color wheel, My Little Pony.”

  Marty whisked across the room, her brown leather boots hushed as she dropped mugs of steaming tea in front of Wanda and Oliver.

  “Ignore Nina. She wouldn’t know a color wheel if it rolled her over, smacked her on the fanny, and called her dumplin’. It just means it goes well with your skin color, if that’s any consolation. Now, let’s discuss when this happened and what you were doing when it did. And Wanda? You drink up, and take deep breaths. Heath would set us on fire if anything happened to you.” Marty held up the other mug and wafted it under his nose, encouraging him to take it. “Oliver? Answer the questions. When and where?”

  He pushed up the sleeves of his sweater and shook his head. “I was in my office, going over some final blueprints for an affordable senior housing development when it nearly knocked me out of my chair with the force of it popping out of my head.”

  Marty leaned in close and examined the horn, holding her hands up in the air to show him she wouldn’t touch it. “Wow,” she murmured. “It’s really quite incredible. I mean, I’ve never seen anything like it. I’m not surprised by it, I suppose, but…wow.”

  “So what the fuck were you doing before this shit happened, Ollie? Were you playing with your Barbies, maybe? You wanna borrow my kid’s DreamHouse?”

  Oliver was aghast yet again, not just about her sexist statement, but the fact that she was a parent, and though he should have tried to hide it, it came flying out of his mouth without warning.

  “You have children?”

  She leaned close and eyeballed him with a sneer. “I have two kids, Ollie. My Charlie, and a zombie named Carl. You got some shit to say about it?”

  She had a zombie?

  Instead of opening his mouth and sticking his foot in again, he threw his hands up in surrender. “Nope. I have no shit to say about it, Nina. You just caught me off guard. You know, like I caught you off guard with my girlie unicorn horn. Remember that? You know, when you laughed so hard you all sounded like hyenas?”

  Nina’s raven eyebrow arched. “Funny My Little Pony is funny. Respect, brother.” She pounded her chest with her fist before she rocked back on her heels. “Now, answer the question. What were you doing before this happened? Like the day before yesterday or earlier in the day? Can you think of anything that prompted this shit?”

  He’d racked his brain all day long and well into the night, trying to figure out what he’d done to get himself into this mess—where he’d been, whom he’d been with—but it had been a pretty dull week.

  “I swear, I can’t think of a single thing I did differently this week than any other. I got up, went to work, went to the gym with a couple of buddies. Came home, had dinner, fed Baloney, did some work around the house on renovations, went to bed. Got up and did it all over again. It’s what I do almost every day.”

  “Got a sig other?” Nina asked. “Boyfriend? Girlfriend?”

  He looked down at his folded hands. It had taken a long time before he’d remembered he was no longer part of a couple, but he had it down now. “No. No significant other.”

  “Then who’s this?” Marty asked, plodding across the room and grabbing a 5x8 picture frame from the long countertop by the stove—one he’d forgotten to put away.

  “Someone,” he muttered vaguely, looking away.

  “Someone who someone?” Nina pried.

  “Someone I’d prefer not to talk about.”

  Nina moved closer. “Listen, Grudgy McGrudgerson, we need to know all the people you’ve been in contact with. All of the fucking people. Who is she?”

  “A friend.”

  Nina poked a finger in his shoulder. “You kiss all your friends like that?”

  He rasped a sigh, taking the picture from Marty and dropping it in a drawer in the island. She was the last person he wanted to talk about, but Nina was right.

  “Fine. She’s my ex-fiancée, Denise. Sore subject, I guess.”

  And the reason he had this house and the reason he’d renovated it as though he was coming upon his last dying breath.

  Because he was gonna show her.

  “So you parted badly?” Wanda finally spoke after finishing her tea.

  “Well, it wasn’t nice, I can tell you that.”

  Nina rolled her tongue along the inside of her cheek. “Define ‘nice,’ Sparkles.”

  Oliver was a private person. He wasn’t one of those people who spilled their guts on social media and to anyone who’d listen.

  But their parting had been ugly—very ugly.

  “We had a huge argument. She left. I stayed. End of. Denise has nothing to do with this. She doesn’t even live in Buffalo anymore. She lives in Manhattan. She couldn’t possibly have anything to do with this, okay?”

  Nina’s glance was skeptical but when she was about to interrogate him further, and he knew that was her intent by the look in her gorgeous eyes, Wanda took over.

  “So anyone suspicious hanging around? Anything suspicious you’ve seen? Any enemies we should know about?”

  He pointed to the horn on his head. “You’re all making it sound like this was a malicious act. What would make you think this had anything to do with malice or revenge?”

  Nina planted her hands on her hips as Baloney snuggled into the hair draping over her shoulder. “Oh, you’d be surprised the malicious shit we’ve seen. Wanda’s sister was turned into a GD demon because she drank a drink meant for someone else. It was peppered with demon blood. Poof! Motherfuckin’ insta-demon.”

  “That’s true,” Marty agreed with a jab of her finger to the air. “And that’s not even the beginning of the wicked deeds we’ve borne witness to. So if someone wanted to do something to hurt you, cause you grief, wreak havoc with your life, whatever, it’s not as outlandish as you’d like to think.”

  He was trying really hard not to buy into their outrageous stories. I mean, demon blood? Nina’s flying? A zombie? These were the tallest tales he’d ever heard.

  But how could he deny he had a horn with sparkles that had popped out of his head after lunch today? That was pretty outlandish. Why couldn’t Wanda be a were-vamp if he had a horn that had come out of nowhere?

  Still, he protested. Whether he had it or not was no longer the issue. That someone might have tried to impose it upon him? That was a hard pill to swallow.

  He made a face. “But a unicorn horn? Who gives someone a unicorn horn because they’re angry with them? And who the hell has the ability to give someone a unicorn horn in the first place?”

  “Well, Oliver, you have to admit, it would be the ultimat
e payback, right? A man with a unicorn horn? Whether we like to admit it or not, we still live in a pretty sexist world. Not everyone’s evolved so much they wouldn’t think it was a laugh-riot to give a big guy like you a sparkly horn, sticking out of the front of his head. But it could also have been an accident and not meant for you at all. As to who has the ability to give you a unicorn horn? Weeell,” Wanda said with a wince as she rubbed her belly. “Do you believe in witches? Or genies? Or even wizards?”

  He blinked, still dazed. “I don’t know what I believe in anymore. I do know, I don’t know any of those kinds of people—or if I do, I’m not aware of them. I mean, you all look like everyone else, but you claim to be a vampire and a were-vamp.”

  Nina gave him a slap on the back. “We don’t just fucking claim it—we are it. Wanna see?”

  Speaking of malicious, Nina took great pleasure in dotting all the paranormal I’s and crossing all the T’s, didn’t she? She looked ghoulishly excited to “show” him whatever it was she thought she was capable of.

  Marty frowned and shook her head of blonde curls, giving her friend a look of caution. “Nina. Not now. The man has enough on his plate. He’s spitting glitter from his forehead, for heaven’s sake. He’s not ready for more.”

  Oliver squared his shoulders. Said who? He might be a little freaked out—uneasy even—but he could take whatever they had to dish out.

  How much worse could it get than a unicorn horn?

  So he eyed them all, standing in his kitchen in all their perfume, bangle bracelets and jeering gazes.

  “Go ahead,” he dared them. “Show me.”

  Now Wanda frowned and bit her lower lip. “I don’t thin—”